


The Calculation

by beaubashley



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, I would classify this as tragic fluff, Mama’s first reader insert, No magical dongs though intimacy is implied., Pre-Canon, Scientist Reader, Scientist Sans, The scenes are not linear. It jumps around., is there even such a thing?, pre-Chara and Asriel, takes place roughly between 1895-1945, there is now., this is a multi-chapter fic masquerading as a oneshot, though liberties have been taken with that time period
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 04:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15502596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaubashley/pseuds/beaubashley
Summary: He found catharsis in forgiving you.





	The Calculation

**Author's Note:**

> (The scenes in this fic are nonlinear and jump around, so have your wits about you.) 
> 
> Enjoy. :)

...

“Sans... kill me. Please.” The lightness of your tone contrasted so sharply with your words it almost hurt. But not nearly as hurt as he sounded in response. 

“*you know i can’t.” His hard fingers grasped yours so tightly a few joints popped in response.

“You can, I can’t do this for much longer.” Because he would never let go if you gave him the chance. 

But this _was_ his chance. He just had to take it. 

“*don’t do this. don’t make me do this.”

You smiled lightly at him, trying to catch his downcast gaze, “I can’t bear it, please, put these SOULs to use, it’s too cruel otherwise.”

He couldn’t look at you. You were breaking his heart. 

“I’ll be able to rest easier knowing it was you.” You tried. 

“*you realize what you’re askin’ of me right?” He intoned, voice strained from trying to stay composed, “there is no possible _way_ i would be able to live with myself.”

You sighed, rubbing absently at your too full chest.

A silence. A beat. 

“We’ll think of something else then, I’m sure of it.” You even managed to fake a smile, just for him. 

“*...promise?” God it nearly broke your heart. 

“No promises.” Your habitual response, for once, tragically serious. 

You were so tired. 

...

Sometimes, you may feel like everything is fragmented and overwhelming. Inconsistent and useless. But then you take a step back, let your eyes unfocus, and suddenly...so suddenly it all just _fits_. 

The Underground is a little like that. As are its inhabitants. 

Sporadic and chaotic, yet so harmoniously perfect. Generations of captivity had bred an innate need for the unusual. 

You loved that about it. You loved that about _him_. 

They all deserved so much _more_. 

You could help. 

...

“*your recovery time has been increasing with each extraction.” Sans commented, shifting the blanket you had haphazardly pulled around yourself, making it neat and crisp. 

“It takes a lot out of me.” You joked, hoping he would drop the subject with some well placed levity. 

“*maybe we should stop,” he shrugged at the glare you sent him, “at least for awhile, until we can figure something else out.”

“Right, because we have oh so many options.” Sarcasm was thick in your tone, “Our math is accurate, we just have to buck up and push ahead.” 

Sans seemed to ignore you as he laced his fingers around your wrist, his other hand displaying his watch as he counted the beats of your pulse.

“*your heart rate hasn’t returned to normal yet, it’s still sluggish.” The skeleton flopped into the seat besides your cot, “al will be here soon to finish your vitals.”

You turned onto your side to face him. He looked exhausted, his lab coat wrinkled and tie askew. His sockets were lidded as he rested his skull back against his hands. Your chest constricted the slightest of amounts just from taking him in. 

“I can think of a few ways to get that pesky ol’ ticker back to tempo.” You remarked, idly fiddling with the ring on your finger. 

Sans peeked an eye light at you, his habitual smirk back exactly where it should be, “*yeah? care to share that information with me?”

“Come closer,” You teased, “it’s a secret.” 

And closer you two did get. 

...

“*what do you think?” 

You had never seen him so nervous before. He could barely meet your eyes. 

It was beautiful. A simple plain band, gold and glimmering, a small what-you-assumed-to-be aquamarine imbedded right in the center. It was a bit too large for your ring finger, but it slid perfectly snug onto your index. 

“It’s lovely,” you managed to breathe, too touched by his gift, “Sans I don’t...I don’t know what to say.” 

He anxiously scratched the back of his skull, “*yeah, i mean, it was a pretty good find...it made me think of you so i thought, y’know, why not?”

“ _Thank you._ ”, was all you could say. Your heart fluttered from being thought of so kindly. No one had ever expressed that sort of thoughtful sentiment to you. 

Your parents had seen to that, right up until they hadn’t. It was always just there, anything you had needed or wanted. You had never needed for anything, wanting for what you could only imagine.

For all your brilliance, all your spirit, all those traits that you thought had contributed to their love of you, it had only amounted to who they could get to take you off their hands. All of it just glimmering facets to make your dowry all the more enticing. 

Would you have been so touched by a ring presented to you from an unknown betrothed? Would it have even meant anything then, like it does now? 

“*why are you crying?” Sans’ voice interrupted your thoughts, “too much?”

You sniffled, trying to stifle the overwhelming feelings that were spilling over, “No, no, it’s...so _kind_.”

“*well...” the skeleton seemed to be at a loss of words, “we could all use a little kindness now and again.”

“I suppose you’re right,” you smiled at him, “who would’ve thought all it would take was to unknowingly wander into a monstrous prison and befriend an animated corpse.”

Sans laughed, a deeply rich sound that sent your pulse soaring, “*i thought we were being kind, and here you are stabbing me straight in the heart.”

“You’re heartless and we both know it.” You deadpanned. Sans held your stare before devolving into another round of laughter, which you quickly joined. 

Of course you knew better. Sans, despite all his lacking physicality, had the biggest heart of anyone you had ever known. 

More than your mother, more than your father...

More than any amorous match they could bid you to. 

...

The house your grew up in was what most people would consider rather less of a house and more of a grand sprawling estate situated snuggly at the foot of the largest mountain in the region. A setting much better suited to fairytales and romance novels than reality. But to you it was normalcy. It was what you were accustomed to and the large ornate hallways and expansive grounds always brought you comfort and familiarity. 

But sometimes the usual could become so distinctly uncomfortable. Unrecognizable. 

“Marriage?” You intoned skeptically, there had to be some mistake, “I’ve been busy with my studies Mother...and no prospects have really seemed worth pursuing when faced with the birth of nuclear physics.” 

“Yes, yes,” Your mother deflected. “I am very well acquainted with your notion of men compared to atoms. The problem, my sweet child, is that you are erring very close to becoming burdensome to your family. You have a duty and the piper is coming to collect.”

Perhaps it was naive to think you could evade this inevitability; All of your peers had been long since wed and ankle deep in children. 

But you...you had always been different. Destined for more than milk stained linens and complacency. You were brilliant in your own right, desperate for any and all knowledge you could get your grasping hands on. Fought tooth and nail for your parents to allow you to attend university, fought tooth and nail with every pompous professor that wanted to deny you access to their knowledge. Fought tooth and fucking nail to prove your worth in the toxic patriarchal community of scientific research and discovery...and all for _what_?

Had it all just been an indulgence? Had they simply been placating you? 

“Your Father has taken the liberty of arranging several dinners in the coming weeks to introduce you to some prospects. We expect you to make a decision by the end of it. Understood?” Your mother sounded as if she were a million miles away. Nothing compared to the ringing filling your head. 

What could you even say? What words would ever be enough to overturn the societal expectations put upon you? 

The dinners had been one disaster after another. Either the men were too intimidated by you to hold any meaningful conversation beyond the weather or the food, or they were emasculated by your inability to fawn over their underwhelming virtues so they deemed it necessary to treat you as a lesser being. 

Your parents were demanding a decision. 

You decided to run. 

...

Mount Ebott had been known throughout the area for its rugged terrain, as well as its thick underbrush and dense trees teaming with a vast variety flora and fauna. None of this was new information to you, having grown up at the bottom of this towering giant of earth. You grew up on its trails, pretending to be a fairy enticing the local deer into sitting besides you. 

It had never worked, but still you continued to dream until your interests had been diverted in other ways and your fantasies of being a forest nymph all but died out. 

Funny how now, as your breath grew ragged from the incline of the mountainside and your palms were sweating against the strap of your stuffed bag, this long forgotten childhood occupation flooded your memories. Everything had been so simple. 

You had thought yourself brave then, daring to live amongst the mountain that stole little children, or so the adults in your life had said. You usually scoffed in the most indignant manner an eight year old could muster at your governess’ stories. You’d never heard something so idiotic. 

But the stories had persisted, as had your resistance to them. 

And now, with your head filled with scientific methods and curiosity, you found yourself brought straight back here. People did not just get gobbled up by mountains. Children did not find their demise simply upon entering its tree line. There were reasons. There were concrete, completely _logical_ explanations for these happenings. This small unknown mystery was your only conciliation as you continued your trek to what you could only hope would be freedom. 

And besides, you were most definitely not a child. You’d manage fine. 

You were well past the familiar stretches of Mount Ebott and you felt nearly swallowed by the thick foliage and atmospheric change. Your protesting calves and back were demanding a break. 

About a mile or so later you came upon a precipice on the massive mount, the mouth of a small cave several feet away. A large, groaning sigh left your lungs as you threw your bag down and off your tired body, quickly taking up the carafe inside it, greedily gulping up the water held within. You looked out upon the horizon, high enough now to no longer be blocked by the treetops. Far, far in the distance was a sparkling blue expanse, the ocean you realized. You hadn’t been since you were a small girl. 

In a supremely unladylike display, you wiped your mouth and dribbling chin with the back of your hand and sleeve. Ah, that was so so _so_ much better. Should you have your lunch now? And by lunch you meant the meager scraps you had managed to find in the kitchen and stow away without alerting your family’s cook that anything was amiss. 

You decided that, yes, since you had already stopped you might as well make camp for a bit. It would be a good several hours before your absence was discovered and you had made quiet a bit of headway in your escape. Better to recharge now rather than push on and suffer any unnecessary fatigue.

You unwrapped and picked at your small arrangement of bread, cheese, and fruit. It wasn’t much to truly satisfy, but it did its job and left you feeling sufficiently fed. With a light, undignified pat to your belly your leaned back to rest against your pack after loosening the laces on your impractical shoes, designed for ladydom and most certainly _not_ impromptu hikes in the wilderness, and straightened out the layered skirt of your dress. 

You looked up at the sky, the few sparse clouds slowly passing and mingling overhead. After a time you sifted through your bag again and pulled out a newer publishing about Thermodynamics, taking some time to leaf through and memorize several new and promising theories and formulae. 

There was so much happening in this rapidly advancing world. How could your parents ever fathom your contentment with a simple family life? Did they even know you at all? Or care?

Probably a mixture of both. 

You lovingly shut your book, head and heart full of new conceptual ideas. You felt blissful and light. This was all going to be worth it. 

Packing your things accordingly and pulling yourself up, you braced for another long stretch of physical exertion. 

A sudden breeze caught your hair, but the source, unexpectedly, was from within the cave’s maw, and not from the forest air you were about to step back into. 

You turned, looking into the fading blackness as you tucked the disheveled strands behind your right ear. What was the source of that breeze? Conceivably, it could be from another opening in the caverns, an exit probably.

A shortcut. 

Rather delighted with the prospect of being able to cut through the mountain rather than traipse over it, you made the split second decision to head in. 

You confidently entered into the cavern, the light available to you decreasing with each step. 

As you continued, the air becoming dense and pressurized from a source you could only guess at, you began to experience the most curious sensation. It was a pulse. Like a vein pushing thousand of blood cells at an enormous speed and you were being whipped away in the current. 

Some more primal aspect of your consciousness was panicking, telling you to turn right back around and get the hell out of there, but —and unbeknownst to you— it was much too late. 

In your frantic attempt to turn your right foot caught on the loosened lace of your left and when you went to step forward you were rewarded by your equilibrium being thrown completely. 

As you descended to the hard ground beneath you, the wind was knocked out of your lungs by an unknown force. Your breath rushed out in one great heave, and suddenly you landed not on a rocky uneven floor, but in a room, gasping and aching and trying desperately to pull yourself together so you could solve the mystery of why the ground was compact and even. 

The pain in your chest and back finally subsided, allowing you to stand and take it all in. 

An empty room that had clearly been inhabited at some point, if the columned archway was any indication. This was all a little bit more than you had bargained for. All you wanted was to maximize your efficiency and minimize your effort. You just wanted to ease your travels. 

You went to leave back the way you came, towards the towering and pulsating energy that encapsulated the back wall, but you kept being...well _rejected_ was the only way to explain it. Like a fish against the glass of its bowl, you were trapped. 

The frantic energy this dilemma created within you only rivaled that of the adrenaline and curiosity that was already raging. You had to stay calm. You had to breathe. You could figure this out. 

You would have to proceed elsewhere. 

You exited out of the decorated archway, only to be led down another path, to another room, to another path until finally...well...

As far as you knew, caves did _not_ come fully furnished, but here you were in what could only be perceived as the most obscurely beautiful _throne_ room.

You nervously took stock of everything around you, absently brushing some dirt and dust off of yourself as you took several steps inside, your footfalls clacking and echoing about the room.

What in the world had you stumbled into?

You walked past the two ornate and towering thrones, spotting a doorway just beyond it. Everything was silent and still. You held your breath unconsciously. 

You breached the room and entered into an equally intimidating corridor. It was seemingly endless, your fear and anxiety preventing you from taking in the amazing architecture of the fixtures and columns as you passed. 

What _did_ catch your attention, however, were the beams of sunlight seeping through the stained glass windows. You stepped into the light, surprised to find you felt no warmth from the sunshine. The patterns in the glass panes were foreign, simple and entirely unrecognizable to you. They still inspired that reverent awe nonetheless, like kneeling at a pew before a faceless God; Early Sundays spent with bleary eyes and disinterest. 

The distant sound of footsteps further down the corridor caused your heart to fly into your throat from panic. Your fight or flight kicked in and took the very wise option to _hide_ because you could only imagine what sort of person, creature, or otherwise could possibly live in this Wonderland you had Aliced into. 

Soon came a voice, speaking lightly, easily.... _recognizably_. They spoke your tongue. 

Your _language_. They were sentient.

Your father had always said that our ability to speak was what separated humans from animals. You dearly hoped he was right. 

What you saw once the two figures entered your line of sight would most definitely send your Father’s opinions packing. You gasped, quickly covering your stupid _stupid_ mouth with both hands. 

Two skeletons. Walking, talking, animated skeletal systems garbed in lab coats and slacks stopped upon your involuntary noise, turning towards you and shocked much like yourself. 

The shorter of the two broke the precarious silence, his voice calm and soothing. 

Even if his words were everything but. 

“*you shouldn’t be here, human.”

And he was right. 

 

...

 

You _knew_ it. 

You had been right all along and you couldn’t _wait_ to rub it in your Mother’s face. 

As much as you had always insisted to her that your studies and books were saving you from a life of ignorance, in this case they were saving your living, beating, actual life. 

Your confiscated bag lay open and spread on the table before you. The impractical weight of so many scientific tomes seemed insignificant now with your existence on the line. 

“*so...do you understand all of this. the math? the theories?” The short skeleton spoke again, his small frame hunched over the book you had been studying only hours before, his eyes scanning the pages with a hunger your fully recognized. 

He was the only one to speak to you so far. The other just stood there, features unmoving, though not aggressive. He would catch his companion’s attention with a meaningful wave of his hand every now and again before engaging in what you could only discern to be some form of sign language. You knew nothing of it. 

The taller skeleton did so now, briefly distracting the other. 

The adrenaline was still coursing thickly through your veins. Your brain screaming in a constant loop something to the effect of: “NOT HUMAN NOT SAFE PANIC!” 

Your logical side knew that panicking would get you nowhere. You could use your words. You could put that magnificent brain of yours to use. You couldn’t give into that fear, no matter how tempting. 

“*well?” The stout monster prompted, attention back on you and waiting. 

“I do. And I will. There’s still a lot to be learned, but to answer your question simply... yes.” He still wasn’t looking at you fully, his eyelights kept darting back to the texts. You could capitalize on that thirst for knowledge. This could be your ticket. 

“I could teach you. Both of you.” You stated evenly, nodding towards each of them, “it is incredibly fascinating isn’t it? Have you gotten to that bit about entropy? Revolutionary.” 

The two exchanged a significant nod. 

“*to king asgore?” He asked his partner. 

The other agreed. 

Your heart sank into the pit of your stomach. Maybe you weren’t as clever as you thought. 

...

The pure and unadulterated fear that took over every cell upon being presented to the “King” was all consuming. You were shaking, your chest feeling tight and painful. You were going to die. 

King Asgore was a mountain of a monster, a gigantic hybrid of goat and man several heads taller and wider than yourself, and with the two skeletons flanking your sides there was nowhere to run. 

“And where did you find this one?” The King asked, his voice booming and authoritative. 

“*the judgement hall of all places.” The shortest monster informed with a shrug, “*seems they waltzed right in here.”

“I did no such thing!” You spat indignantly at him. He seemed pleased by your outburst, this mischievous look in his eye sockets. 

“Regardless,” Asgore intoned, “Why is it that they are not in custody, Sans? You must have some purpose to have brought them to me, escorted by the two of you rather than the guard.”

Ah, so you finally had a name to put to the short one, as peculiar as it was. 

“*yeah, well that’s the thing, your highness. we think this one may have some invaluable knowledge from the surface. books too, lots of ‘em, that could be imperative to completing our research.”

“So take the books and dispose of the human,” The King looked thoughtful for a moment, an enormous hand coming to rest upon his beard, “though of course I assume you would’ve considered this already which only leads me to believe that—“

“*yes, exactly. we’ve been pulling at straws for awhile now with what we could scavenge, but these are hundreds of times more _advanced_ then what we have or very well ever will have available, and the easier our transition into this new information the more effective we’ll be in the long run.” Sans confirmed, and for the first time since falling down here you felt comforted. Was this monster petitioning for your longevity? 

“Very well,” Asgore nodded, “They are the responsibility of the R&D unit and as such I expect that they will cause no trouble. They will be put in the care of a chaperon at all times until they have been deemed a non threat. We will revisit this situation in a month’s time. Does this arrangement sound sufficient?” 

Your wards agreed to this, Asgore clapping his hands together once in finality, “Wonderful, Dr Gaster, may I have a word?”

The taller skeleton stepped closer to his King, signing grandly and conversing easily with the intimidating hulk of monster like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

You caught a few blips of the one side of the conversation you could follow, your brow furrowing with each word. Were they talking about... _cooking_?

While the two other monsters chatted, Sans turned to you, handing you your pack which had been slung over his shoulder. 

You warily took it back, gathering the weight up into your chest defensively. He smirked. 

“*what? you still scared of little ol’ me? even after i went and stuck my vertebrae out for you like that?” He teased. 

“You’ll be getting as much out of this as I will.” You asserted.

“*welp, that’s the plan anyways. who knows how useful you’ll actually be though. may be more trouble than you’re worth.” His words hurt in ways you couldn’t even register. 

“Over my dead body I’ll be!” Burdensome was one thing you were not. You’d hold your own. 

Sans laughed, though you couldn’t conceive why. Nothing about this was funny. 

“*lets hope it doesn’t come to that.”

...

“*i’m not so sure about this. taking the bracers off from the magma coils...that’s incredible heat we’re channeling now, it could melt you alive.”

Oh Sans, ever the voice of reason. 

“I agree, the energy it’s producing is unlike anything we’ve ever seen...factoring that into your SOUL energy and we’ll be off the charts. Isn’t that enough?” Alphys added, coming to stand besides you at the Machine. 

You sent a small look over to Gaster, whose lack of response led you to conclude that he was in agreement. You placed your face in your hands, rubbing at your tired eyes. 

“Yes, yes of course it’s excessive. We’re looking for reserves here. It’s great to be generating some energy, but we are going to need so much _more_. Whether we’re sending it further out into the underground or channeling it straight to that god forsaken barrier. It’s the difference between a stick of dynamite and a hydrogen bomb.” You tried to explain. You were drained enough as it was. How’re you gonna get through this next extraction?

“Dynamite?” Alphys inquired simultaneously with Sans’ confused “*hydrogen bomb?”

You felt your resolve strengthen once your eyes settled on Sans, the curve of his smile, his lax stance. His eyelights trying so hard to convince you otherwise, to try to both express and hide his immense worry. His compassion...and something so distinctly intimate that you weren’t ready to touch on yet.

“A topic for another day. Look. This can be done. We just have to be responsive to the learning curve and go at it with a fine toothed comb. There isn’t a single doubt that we can do this. That we can do _something_. And isn’t _that_ enough?”

They couldn’t very well argue against your conviction. They had identical intentions. 

After several hours of fine tuning calculations, setting switches and parameters, logging numerous readings and calibrating machinery you were all set. 

You sat at the core of the apparatus, an impressive thing built of bone and magic thanks in both parts to Sans and Gaster. 

Sans approached you, clearly deep in thought. He went through the familiar motions, strapping in your wrists, clasping clamps to the metal nodes stickered to your temples. His hand lingered by your face, absently caressing there while he tried to assemble his words. 

“*if...if it’s too much,” he started, leveling his eyes with yours, “please, we’ll try something else. don’t push for more than you can handle.”

You smothered the small twinge of annoyance you felt, he was saying these things out of concern. Not because he doubted your abilities. Because all he wanted was _you_. 

“No promises.” You teased. He gave a small smile, relaxing a bit. 

With a last brush of his thumb against your heated cheek he turned and left, taking up his position at the switchboard. 

You saw Gaster begin to gesture several orders, Sans and Alphys responding in affirmation. They fumbled around a bit, double checking readings and meters before finally all eyes were on you. 

Gaster lifted a holy hand, five skeletal digits spread, he then began to lower one at a time. The countdown had begun. 

You watched as they decreased to his index and thumb, then just his index. You were bubbling in anticipation, excitement, unwelcome dread. 

And then nothing. 

You were sent into nothing.

Impenetrable darkness, darker than the worst nightmare could conjure.

And then, all at once, _everything_. 

You were never ending. You were everlasting. You were resplendent and infinite and everything and nothing all at once. 

A continuing loop of pure, unmitigated energy. You could neither be created nor destroyed. You were beyond space. Beyond time. A conduit for eternity. 

And because of this boundless horizon of potential, you _saw_. Saw more than you had seen or ever will see in your lifetime. In a hundred lifetimes. Thousands. 

You saw the heavens. You saw Earth. You saw destruction and rebirth. Mechanics and decimation. Music and poetry. Art upon death, beauty from silence. 

Colors of the purest hue. 

Red. So much _red_. 

A sunrise. A child. A buzzer. A flower. 

Sans. The sky. 

They would be free. 

But this was not _your_ reality. This was not because of your _sacrifices_ or _contributions_. 

Inevitability. Probability. Happenstance. 

But you were that sunrise. You were that heat. The continuous burn of hydrogen and helium overlapping and life sustaining. 

You hit your peak. Your noon. 

Then a rapid, brilliant descent. 

The free fall back into your body. Your consciousness. 

It all felt so limited. A noose. You were asphyxiating on your own existence. 

Sans’ frantic hands were upon you, moving too quickly to track in your disoriented state. Scaled claws soon joined, then a punctured palm. Efficient. Assured. Safe. 

Then nothing again. 

...

“*what’s the ocean like?” Sans had asked you one evening. All of you were still mingling around the lab, cleaning and prepping for the following day’s round of experiments. 

“The ocean?” You questioned.

“*yeah, big wet thing, goes right around the horizon.” He jabbed, “that’s what i’ve read anyways.”

You looked thoughtfully at your hands, the ring on your finger glimmering as you patted papers into a coherent stack. You had only been a small handful of times, and when you were young at that. Everything was always so overwhelmingly big then. 

“Expansive...” Your eyes grew distant and unfocused, the scrawled words on your stack of paper blurring into incoherence, “It reaches out farther than you think anything ever could... and the air around it is different too. Fresh, tangy even depending on the time of day.” You remembered floating on the gentle waves, the taste in your mouth and burn in your small nose after having dived under several swells. You smiled, “The repetitive sound and motion of the waves hits something deeply visceral and so completely comforting...it’s like coming home.” While you internally visualized your memories the words had spilled from you mind and off your tongue with no filter and suddenly you felt incredibly embarrassed. What even was any of that? That wasn’t a helpful description to someone who has never experienced it.

You timidly glanced around at your peers, all of whom seemed a little affected from your nonsense. You cleared your throat. 

“You’ll see soon enough,” you remarked with a surprising amount of confidence that you didn’t actually feel in the least, “when we free everyone down here.”

Gaster signed a brief affirmation of your sentiment and you smiled, Sans and Alphys nodding in agreement. 

“Great. Because tomorrow we’ve got our work cut out for us.”

...

“*wake up! wake up now! please, please, _please_!”

You were so tired.  
...

 

Sans was sat in the chair in the corner of the examination room when you awoke. His posture was rigid, elbows resting against his knees, hands woven and steepled as he rested his forehead upon his extended thumbs. His eyes were shut tightly.

Neither of you were the religious type, but the short mumblings that you heard coming from under his breath indicated otherwise. 

You groaned as quietly as possible as you tried to sit up. The small sound wasn’t lost on him if the way he shot up was anything to go by. He was instantly approaching you, gesturing for you to stay still. 

“*don’t push it. you went well past overexertion and you might make things worse.” He spoke softly. You nodded, ceasing your attempt to raise yourself. 

Sans let out a deep sigh, straightening up, unsure of what to do with his previously gesturing hands. He slid them seamlessly into his lab coat. 

A long silence passed between the two of you. Even longer than the moment when you first laid eyes on him in that corridor, eyes bulging and scream strangled in your throat. 

He relented first. Just as he had then. 

“*you can’t keep doing this. your soul isn’t strong enough.” 

The words felt like a slap in the face. 

What choice did you all have? 

“*it’s melting...it’s becoming completely irradiated and i can’t sit here and watch you destroy your own existence for us.”

“That’s not your decision to make.” You protested stubbornly. 

You had never seen the expression that filtered over his face. Something dark and hurt, pent up and unrelenting. Monstrous. 

He managed to wrangle it in, “*it’s not yours either if you’re going to act so irresponsibly.” 

You couldn’t decide who was being more petulant. You were both so frustratingly _similar_.

“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m trapped down here like the rest of you. This isn’t just about you. This isn’t me sacrificing myself for some greater good. This is about me purposefully trying every God damn thing in my power to get the hell out of this forsaken mountain. It’s just happy circumstance that our goals are the same. So don’t _look_ at me like I’m some martyr on my pyre when I’m nothing but selfishly using the resources at my disposal.” You felt sick. These words weren’t true, they were reflexive. Why couldn’t you keep your trap shut?

Sans looked equally at a loss, “*resources. that’s all we are? a means to an end?” 

Everything _hurt_. Every fiber of muscle, inch of bone, segment of sinew and tissue and every lesser cell and atom screaming in agony. 

The skeleton continued, oblivious to your turmoil, “*ya can’t mean that, right?” He shook you once, boney hands gripping your arms so tightly, his voice wavering, “*tell me you don’t mean that.” 

You were crying, when did everything get so off kilter? Why did you have to _feel_ this way? Why couldn’t you make it stop?

“*hey,” His voice was suddenly so soft, a rough skeletal hand wiping at your cheeks to remove the tears that spread there, “tell me. _please_. i’ll listen, but you have to tell me.”

You hiccuped in a completely pathetic fashion. Where was that hardened persona you had just been putting on mere moments ago? Why were you falling apart like this? 

It was _him_. It was always him. His stupid, pestering, smug, brilliant, living, kind self. He was ruining what you were trying to do. He was enriching every facet of yourself and your undoing was all his fault. 

“*sweetheart, please, you are breaking yourself apart.” He pleaded again, cradling your head in his hands. 

You smiled at him, finally feeling a little more righted, more whole from his warm concern, “You can’t break that which isn’t yours, Sans.” 

Your words startled him. He looked at you for the first time like the foreign being you truly were. But it wasn’t hurtful, or judgmental. Unsure. Hopeful, of all things. 

You carefully brought his hands away from your face and laced them with yours atop you blanketed lap, “I’m not my own...so you’re right, it’s not my choice-“

He was kissing you before you could finish. A sweet passion seeping from his touch that had never quiet been there before. A trepidation behind his hunger, a disbelief that he could ever have such an opportunity to hold you like this. To have you, truly _have_ you. 

It was love. 

And there could never be anything evil or mistrusting that was born from proper and true _love_. 

...

Your days were spent in easy submission. Hours usually spent prepping for, or recovering from, extractions were suddenly free for more extracurricular activities. 

Needless to say, your newly acquired spare time had instantly become fully booked. 

That’s if Sans had anything to say about it anyways. 

He usually did. Insistently. 

You made more time for exploring the Capital. You partook in good food and company. You built yourself anew and enjoyed every minute of it. 

Days passed, months probably, years even. 

Gaster had taken over and rebranded your SOUL experiments. They were going to further pursue energy resources to help sustain the monster populace. Commit fully to the idea of building a central power plant. A core of all magical and electrical output. 

You wished him all the best in his endeavors, another of which was to possibly create another son. Sans seemed hopeful at the prospect. 

Your skeleton still worked on the occasional project, but much like you he had put it to rest. Showing you around and reintroducing you to your New Home. 

One particular trip to the dump yielded an almost perfectly intact standing piano. Fond memories pulled at your consciousness, and upon finding that all of the keys were still playable Sans helped you move it to a more convenient location. 

A little knocked and beaten, that piano was the pride and joy of your small living accommodations. You thought that your memories of your father slowly teaching you scales would be the sweeping blow to your long forgotten homesickness, but if anything you felt happy. A bittersweet warmth and gratitude. 

Your muscle memory had held as you played several pieces back to back, Sans watching you with great fondness instead of reading the book that lay open and useless in his lap. 

“You’re staring,” you called lightly, trying to hide your smirk. 

“*and whose fault is that?” He teased, closing said book and standing in a swift motion. He strode over to you, placing a skeletal hand on each of your shoulders. 

You looked up and back at him, smiling more fully as he nuzzled you with his chin, fingers playing all the while, give or take few sour notes. 

“*who taught you how to play like that?” He asked finally. 

“My father, when I was young. I kept at it though almost entirely until I...” You stopped. 

An awkward silence. 

Sans had the good grace to give you a bit of space, his body language reading supremely embarrassed. 

The two of you didn’t talk about the Surface too often, and most certainly not about how you had gotten here. 

Maybe you should?

“...until I fell, that is.” You finished. 

“*yeah...ya never really did tell me about all that.” He responded, a hand in his pant’s pocket, the other nervously at his neck. 

“Who has time for proper introductions when faced with an impenetrable magical force?” You joked. 

You got a small laugh out of him, though it was only touching on genuine. 

“We could...now, if you wanted. Get it all out there.” You slowly slid the lid shut over the ivories, turning a full one-eighty to give Sans your undivided attention. 

He smiled a bit more fully, his sockets crinkling a bit at the edges. 

“*i’d love that.”

...

“Oh Queen Toriel, you look absolutely radiant!” You gushed upon entering the Royal home. 

There the Queen sat, belly swollen, coat shiny and fluffed. Her hands happily stroking over her stomach in a repetitive and calming motion. 

“Oh Please!” She exclaimed, rolling her kind eyes, “No need to flatter me now, there’s no one around to hear these compliments.” 

You laughed, “Ah, so I should save them for later then, when your husband is in earshot?” She laughed as you took a seat across from her. 

“Preferably yes.” She strained to grab the tea on the table besides her, which you happily gave that extra nudge to push the handle fully in her furry grasp, “To what do I owe this visit?”

“No reason really,” You sighed, leaning more fully into the plush chair, “Sans is working, I’ve cleaned and eaten and then, at the market I heard the most peculiar bit of information.”

“Do tell,” her eyes glinted in interest. 

“You see, apparently some of the monsters who made settlements out in Waterfall found a fully intact SOUL.” Your tone was evenly blasé though your heart was thundering in your chest. 

She hummed a moment, taking another large sip of her drink, “Yes, I do believe Dr. Gaster was authorized to send a small field team to collect it. Why do you care, dear? I thought you were taking a sabbatical.” 

You rolled your eyes, “I am, I am, and it’s terribly dull.” 

“It’s safe though.” She countered and you couldn’t help but pout. 

“I suppose...” you begrudgingly agreed, “Being idle was never one of my strong suits.”

“Says the human with the virtue of patience.” The goat teased. You sent her a playful glare. 

A small silence fell over the two of you, though nothing uncomfortable. The fire crackling in the hearth was all the conversation needed. 

“I bet King Asgore is simply besides himself.” You finally spoke, head rested in your palm as you stared at the woman. 

“Annoyingly so,” she smiled, “I am pregnant, not dying! I can do plenty on my own without needing to be waited on hand and foot.” 

You laughed, her fiery spirit always lifted yours. It was strange how fond you had grown of these people, so alien from what you had thought was reality for so long, and here you were gossiping with the Queen of Monsters. 

“If anything, this expansion has been a godsend, Asgore being otherwise occupied while I can deviously do as I please without any doting interruptions.”

“What we woman do for a moments peace,” you replied with another laugh. 

A truly pregnant pause. 

“Are you nervous?” You asked softly. 

“Incredibly,” she admitted, though her features only showed a pure, unmitigated happiness. 

“You’ll be magnificent.” You assured her, lightly patting a hand on her knee. 

“I will.” She nodded, fully confident just as a Royal should be. 

And you believed her. 

...

“How’re the tests progressing?” You asked innocently enough over dinner one evening. Sans had been spending long nights in the lab the past several weeks since the recovery of the SOUL in Waterfall. 

The extraction had more or less been a success. They had lost a quarter of the SOUL in the process apparently, but it was still holding as far as you knew. 

“*not great, to be honest.” He sighed, rubbing a skeletal hand over his tired features, “the damn thing won’t stabilize.”

That piqued your interest, “What’s the plan then?” 

“*no plan, just going to monitor the situation so we don’t compromise the results.” He shrugged. 

Your mouth fell open, “You’re doing _nothing_?” 

“*doc doesn’t want to risk losing this one. finite resources and all that.”

How could he be so indifferent about this?! 

“To hell with resources, that is energy at its finest! It could provide enough power to supply electricity to the expanding districts and you’re just _sitting_ on it?!” You hadn’t meant to be so accusatory, but this was ridiculous. 

“*woah, hey, that isn’t called for. we’re being cautious, we don’t know when we’ll get another sample like this. it’s not like we can track when any ol’ human is going to stumble their way in here and di-“ Sans quickly shoved his metaphorical foot into his metaphorical mouth. 

You stood, “No please, by all means, finish that thought.” 

“*you know i didn’t mean it like that.” He placated. 

“It’s insignificant.” You huffed, taking up your near empty plate and bringing it to the small sink in your equally small kitchen. 

“*c’mon love, i’m sorry.” He apologized, standing and quickly moving to you, “you know what a numbskull i can be.”

You smiled as his fingers laced with yours, those boney hands pulling you into him. You gave an overly exasperated sigh, obviously he was already forgiven. 

He held you close, nuzzling lightly into your shoulder. You stroked his skull tenderly. 

But your mind never left the subject. Even as the two of you carried about your night, finally curled together and drifting to sleep. 

There was a SOUL sitting unused and filled with potential and you were stuck doing nothing while a hundred ideas spun through your head. 

What could potentially be the key to everyone’s salvation, to the next generation of monsters who wouldn’t have to grow up never knowing the warmth of the sun, the shimmering brilliance of the stars. The soft caress of the wind. 

Toriel and Asgore’s child could have that.

Sans could have that. 

You could do something to help. 

You had to. 

...

Everything was burning, you were on fire. The bright yellow SOUL clutched in your hands was like a blaring sun; A blasting supernova that you had unwittingly put yourself in the center of. 

You were going to be consumed by this dying star. 

Your own damaged SOUL floated from your chest, it’s drooping features only melting further. 

God, Sans was going to be so mad. 

The two SOULs were acting like polar magnets, gravitating to each other in a frantic orbit, desperate to be whole again. Like making a singular puzzle out of pieces found in two different sets. 

You finally came to the realization that you were screaming, the sound distant and disassociated from your introspection. 

The two floating hearts melded and stretched, folding together in the most violent dance you had ever witnessed. 

Then, they grew still, finally clicking and the pieces all put where they could manage to fit. You fell to your knees, breath ragged and uneven. You were going to die, this was it. 

You were so incredibly relieved, _finally_ thank high heaven. You could finally rest. 

That may have been the scariest part. How easily you came to terms with the idea of your demise. 

The newly formed SOUL made its presence known, drifting down to your level and trying to nestle into your chest. 

It _hurt_. Like a splinter under a nail bed that you couldn’t remove, only the splinter was a burning dagger and your nail was decimated in the ordeal. 

It didn’t belong there, this hybrid thing, it didn’t belong with you anymore. 

Dammit, you really hadn’t thought this through. 

“YoU foOlish FoOLish giRl, wHaT HAve yOu doNe.” Though you had never heard his voice before, you knew unequivocally that it was Gaster who had found you. 

You felt magic envelop your exhausted body and you instantly relaxed. Gaster was brilliant, he’d find a solution to this. You were in good hands, no matter how hollowed they may be.

“I’m sorry,” You grimaced at how hoarse your voice was, “I’m so so sorry.”

Gaster carried you to the familiar examination room that was almost exclusively used by you since you started indirectly experimenting on yourself. He laid you down and quickly got to work, hooking you to several monitors. His assured and repetitive motions lulled you into a brief state of calm, your mangled SOUL glowing with his familiar magic finally relaxing and giving up on it’s desperate endeavor to enter back into your chest. 

Sweet relief, you fell asleep. 

...

“*so like this?” Sans asked, boney fingers fumbling over the few notes you had just demonstrated. 

“Almost,” You amended by playing the sequence again, “like this.”

He more or less had it after a few more repetitions and you hugged him happily at his accomplishment. 

“Yes, exactly, now you keep playing that while I do the melody.” You instructed, hands hovering and spread an octave up from his, “Ready?”

He nodded, eyes trained on the white teeth of the piano in front of him. You’d never seen him so focused. 

You gave a quick count before you both started playing, rather harmoniously at that, and as you repeated the notes several times over without any spoken words to do so you glanced over to him. 

He looked so determined to get each and every note perfect, to do this all to indulge your little request for a duet, even though he had no idea how. And he was so patient and receptive as you taught him, never complaining. 

You could feel that warmth spread from how he prioritized you above all else, him taking time off of his passions to see to your recovery and integration. To welcome you so easily into his life. To treat you with such reverence and appreciation. 

“I love you.” You blurted and for the first time in several minutes, Sans’ fingers hit a very off trill. 

The music stopped as he turned to face you, his face pulled into utter disbelief. 

“*you love me?” You hadn’t heard his voice that small since he had given you your ring what felt like forever ago.

You guffawed, “Of _course_ you numbskull. I love you with everything I am able.”

And there it was. The most beautiful smile on his features, the way his eye sockets would crinkle the minutest amounts when it finally hit his eyes. Pure and genuine straight from his core. 

“*promise?” He asked, his tone so light and content as he continued to play, picking up right where he left off. 

“No promises,” you replied quietly, easily joining with his harmony. 

...

Your faded back in from the sound of a one sided argument 

“*she sent me away for a second, how in the _hell_ was I supposed to know she would do something like _this_?!” 

You still hadn’t completely surfaced from your unconsciousness, but it felt like your nerves were screaming even while you were still not all the way there yet. Your body began to cry. 

“*dammit,” Sans cursed, “here, i’ve got her.” 

Again, blissful relief as you felt his magic wash over you. His and Gaster’s were so similar, coming from the same source, but there was something profoundly comforting about the composition of Sans’. A salve made of the purest of intentions. 

“*i said i’ve got her!” He insisted strongly to an unseen protest, “go consult with alphys and get approval from the queen. asgore is still out.”

Footsteps retreated and a door shut. 

You fell back into listless blackness, Sans’ strong, loving, concerned magic humming and lulling you all the while. 

...

“So...bonding?” You asked casually as the two of you sat at a small cafe on your day off. Sans had asked if he could finally show you around a bit, having holed yourself up in the laboratory almost completely since your arrival. You both spent a nice morning at the Libraby, perusing for some easy reading before coming to get some nourishment. 

Sans did a brief spit take, quickly scooping up a cloth napkin to try and salvage his staining shirt. 

You gave him your best attempt at innocence as he scowled at you. The two of you had developed a very interesting rapport since you began working together. Between lecture sessions on the fundamentals of physical chemistry or on the job experiences while researching different renewable energy sources for the Underground, something had sparked. 

He was clever, he made you laugh. You could be playful and honest when you were around him. Something you had never experienced with another person, in an academic or romantic capacity. 

But above all else, he was kind and you admired that about him. 

You didn’t know how kind you’d be in a world where you were held against your will in a mountain simply for existing. 

“*you can’t just say that sort of thing, and out in public of all places.” He scolded. You tried to hide you smirk behind a sip of tea, “where did you even find out about that?”

“The Queen obviously. They’re trying for a child you know.” Sans went sheet white at your words, clearly embarrassed. Oh this was delightful! You so rarely got to push his buttons this easily, “Or so she told me. And of course I asked how that even works, I mean fundamentally we’re similar, but still there must be some sort of differential baseline set since you all are so incredibly varied.” 

“*alright, alright, stop stop.” He pleaded as you rested your chin in a raised hand, looking ever the demure and unaffected woman you wanted to be in this moment, “once you get started on genetic variables there’s no stopping you.” 

“Biology has always been a great _passion_ of mine, yes.” You teased, eyes watching him carefully, “finding out exactly how all the parts _fit_ is ever so engaging.” 

“*and what have you found out, if you don’t mind me asking,” He responded, mirroring your body language. Ah, that was a good sign. 

“Truthfully? Barely anything. I thought that library of yours would have a more fruitful section on erotica, but apparently you are all as prudish as us humans.”

He laughed, a sharp jovial bark, “*oh so _that’s_ why ya dragged me in there? and here I was thinking it was for scholarly pursuits.” 

“Entirely carnal reasons, I’m afraid.” You shrugged, though you couldn’t wipe the smile off your face. 

“*y’know,” Sans began, clearing his non existent throat, “i’ve got plenty of...uh, _research materials_ back at my place, you’re welcome to them if you’d like.” 

You knew Sans wasn’t spineless, but the affirmation that he had guts as well was a huge turn on. 

“I really am much more of a hands on learner,” you stated evenly, placing your hand atop his, your ring glistening happily on your index finger. You didn’t want your motivations to be misinterpreted. 

“*funny you say that,” his fingers easily laced with yours, “i am too.”

...

“ _please kill me, please it hurts, kill me, make it stop!_ ” You pleaded, existence couldn’t be worth this pain. There could be no possible reason for you to continue like this. 

“*god dammit, would somebody please just _sedate_ her, i can’t focus like this.” Sans demanded, the throw of his voice probably being sent somewhere over his shoulder. 

For all of his magical prowess, he did not have infinite reserves. He and Gaster had been taking shifts to replenish their stores, but things were not progressing in the interim. 

You were dying. 

A prick and a new source of magic flooded your bloodstream, making its cycle through your system and knocking you out completely. 

Thank whatever higher powers for that. 

...

“Souls?” You asked skeptically. You’d think after all of the things you had seen in your short time in the Underground, magical or otherwise, nothing would surprise you anymore. But this? This might take the cake. 

“No, SOULs,” Alphys explained, but you honestly couldn’t make the distinction, “The very culmination of your entire being. Everything you ever will be, all stored right in there.” She gestured a pointed claw towards your chest. 

You shifted uncomfortably, “Can you...” this was awkward, “Can you see it?” 

“No, not unless you want me to, or if we entered an encounter.” She clarified. 

Sans had briefly explained the idea of an encounter to you weeks ago, how they would know if you tried to do anything unsavory, and that your probability of succeeding was incredibly low. 

“Could you...show me mine?” You asked timidly. 

Alphys smiled, “Of course!” 

And that had been the start of everything. 

A part of you almost wished you could take it back. 

But the _look_ on Sans’ face as he walked in on the two of you, your bright cyan SOUL flaring upon connecting your gaze with his- so full of this pure dumbfounded awe, well...

That made it worth it. 

...

“*has she woken yet?” Sans asked, laying his lab coat on the back of the stiff chair that he had spent more time in since you came here than he’d ever have liked to. 

“No,” Alphys sighed, handing him several charts she had been tracking, “Everything’s the same as it’s been all week.”

They had finally gotten that mutated SOUL back into your body, several strong magical transfusions later and they had also managed to bring your vitals back to an acceptable range. 

Everything was as good as it was going to get.

But still no you. 

...

“*patience,” he had said after a rather vigorous session that had resulted in your SOUL springing involuntarily from your chest, shining as blue as the stone on your ring, resulting in the most exquisite orgasm you had ever had in your life, “of all the virtues that I could’ve pegged you as, that would not have been one of them.”

You pouted, raising yourself more fully on his exposed rib cage, your breasts squishing uncomfortably into every divot, “I’m the patron saint of patience, I would have to be in order to get anything through that thick skull of yours, let alone axiomatic formulations.” 

He just smiled blissfully up at you, tangling and untangling your hair around his segmented digits, as he ignored your jab, “*i thought maybe bravery at first.”

You blushed a bit at that. Your “bravery” had usually been thinly veiled stubbornness. 

“*then maybe perseverance, but _patience_? doesn’t quite fit.” He finished, tucking the hair he had been toying with gently behind your ear. 

You leaned into the caress of his hand, closing your eyes to his soothing touch. 

“And what makes you the judge of that?” You breathed, trying so hard to stay coherent and in control, but that was a quickly lost battle, “Maybe you need another look.”

You both smiled, your lips ghosting over his cheekbone, nose to nasal bridge. You felt so at peace. Why was it that he made you feel this way? You had no right to be so comfortable in a prison. 

“*i suppose another field test couldn’t hurt.” 

Several more were conducted over the course of that week with inconclusive results. 

...

“So, it’s energy then?” You had tried to clarify, watching carefully as the three scientists before you were working together to solve a rather irksome bit of formulae that you had challenged them with that day, “SOULs that is.”

“In a matter of speaking,” Alphys eventually responded, though she was clearly distracted. 

“And from what we know of energy... it’s transferable, yes?” You tried to lead them to what you were hinting at. 

“*to an extent, but who’s going to volunteer to tamper with that sort of self infliction? no one wants their essence blundered about in some lab. they’re sacred and all that.” Sans deflected, handing off his paper to you for evaluation. 

“To Monsters, you mean?” You edged, marking an error which rendered the rest of his work invalid. He scowled as you handed it back, “which one of us clearly is not.”

They all stopped what they were doing, finally coming to the same conclusion you had, a question about to spring from them in unison. 

“No need to ask, I _heartily_ volunteer.” You winked, taking pride in the dumbfounded laughter you received. 

“*okay, how long have you been planning that one?” Sans asked, shaking his head with mock disapproval. 

You had the good grace to sound embarrassed as you replied. 

“Since yesterday.”

...

“*bonding?” Sans asked, uncertain. 

“Well why not? Maybe it’ll help equalize this awful amalgamation I’ve created for myself..., and don’t pretend like you’ve never considered it.” Your teasing was so lacking these days, it was like a breath of fresh air to be able to have some semblance of normalcy again. 

Things between the two of your had been _strained_ to say the least since you regained consciousness. A lot had been left unsaid in the wake of everyone’s overwhelming joy that you were pulling through this and because of that you hadn’t really had a chance to properly talk to Sans. It had all just gone back to business as usual. 

Maybe that was for the best. What could you even say to justify what you had done?

“*obviously, but not like-“ he stopped himself. You quirked an eyebrow at his hesitation. 

“*not like _this_. not as a means to clean up this entire mess.” His honesty was so strained, keeping himself from what he wanted because of his morality. Because of his sincerity. His love. 

You felt embarrassed now for saying it as if it didn’t matter. 

It did, of course it did. The two of your had hinted at it before. Was it possible? Should you try? It couldn’t hurt to, but what if it did?

And now...maybe now you would never have the chance. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, you couldn’t bare to look at him, “I shouldn’t have suggested...I _do_ want to, uhm...very much even, but yes, I’m sorry.”

The touch of his hard finger on your chin brought your line of sight to him, his expression calm and happy, “*i know. we’ll figure something out.”

You smiled, a rarity lately. 

“Maybe we revisit it, once I’m recovered.” You suggested, holding the side of his face in your hand, thumb rubbing gently at his cheekbone. 

He leaned into you, nodding with acceptance. “*it’s definitely still on the table, but let’s try some other options first. monitor you for a bit, see if there are any side effects to...whatever it is that’s happened.”

“I...I never meant for it to happen like this, Sans. I swear, I had _no_ idea. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have, I...I-” The words were fumbling out. There was so much to say, so much to apologize for. How could you even begin? What you _did_ there was no excusing, it had been selfish, stupid...

You were no help at all. 

He sighed deeply, cutting you off and pulling away from you, “*would it have mattered if you had known?” 

That shut you up right quick. 

Would it have mattered? Would you have still tried something? Anything? 

Even now?

You felt strangled by the way he looked at you. So hurt and...resigned almost. 

“*thought so.” A boney hand scrapped over his face, “i’m gonna step out for a bit. anything i can get you?”

“No,” you whispered, looking away, “no, thank you.”

“*alright.” He stood, leaning over to kiss you lightly on the head. 

And then he left. 

He didn’t come back for a week.

You didn’t blame him, either. 

...

You really were dying. This was going to be it. 

Your body was rejecting your newly malformed SOUL and there wasn’t anything anyone could do about it. 

The amount of time you spent cognizant was few and far in between. The large portion of your unconsciousness spent in overwhelming blackness. Memories that weren’t yours invasive and unrelenting, you started feeling like a stranger in your own skin. 

The entire rotting mass of blue and yellow barely resembling a heart was beginning to manifest above your chest, decaying and dying and rebuilding itself only to fall back into the vicious cycle. 

There was something keeping you here, filling you with this unmitigated determination to fight, to continue to strain against the void that was trying to swallow you whole. 

To just finally give it all up. 

Sans. 

You had to fix this. 

But you were so tired. He would understand right? If you gave up the ghost? 

“Someone should call for him,” Alphys commented gravely to Gaster, “she may not have much time left.”

A door closed, a chair scrapped closer to your bed. 

You couldn’t remember much after that. 

...

“*what’s the protocol on human relationships then? like the general progression of events?” Sans asked you while the two of you prepped the lab for the day. You had both volunteered to and since you would both need to be there at the same time, wouldn’t it be more convenient to only have to set one alarm? That had been his coy way of asking you to spend the night and you had accepted graciously.

That is if “graciously” meant relentlessly teasing him about how suave and seductive he was, and oh how you wished human men would take a note or two from him. 

The two of you had easily transitioned into a more physical relationship over the past week, enjoying each other’s bodies and minds. It felt natural to be with him in that capacity, it felt _right_ , though that didn’t mean that you couldn’t still poke fun at him. Which you did every chance you could, and even though something had shifted in you after he had given you that ring he had found, you didn’t want to pressure him or push for more. 

You told yourself you were being cautious, level headed, but the reality was that you were just afraid. 

“Why?” You asked, turning on a few devices here and there, prepping a clipboard with a pad of paper, “have a human love interest I should be aware of?” 

He rolled his eye lights, “*just curious is all.”

You thought for a moment and it surprised you to find he was staring, waiting patiently for your response, you cleared your throat as you hid your blush. 

“Well, typically the two in question would express an interest in the other, then date for some time, and then, if they knew that they were with the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with they’ll dedicate themselves exclusively to the other, usually with a ring. That bit is called an engagement, which leads to marriage which is basically making it law before God or what have you, and then...y’know, bliss and babies and death do you part.” You ranted, face becoming more heated with every word. You felt so awkward.

You glanced up at Sans and he looked like he had seen a ghost...though a ghost in the human sense and not just a fellow monster. 

“*a, uh...a ring you said?” He asked, clearly as embarrassed as you were. 

“Yes, but not always.” You tried to placate. 

“*i had no idea!” He exclaimed, coming towards you, “you must have thought i was completely _insane_ giving you something like that. dammit, i’m such a _numbskull_ , a complete idiot.”

He was making this too easy, was he really going to set himself up like this?

You put on your best ‘let down’ look, “Oh...so you hadn’t meant it. I should have suspected as much.” You went to take off the ring, and it didn’t take much to pretend like it was hurtful. You had become awfully attached to it. 

“*no! no, please,” he insisted, taking your hands in his, “it’s _yours_.”

“Really? You don’t mind?” You asked, lacing your hands with him. 

He smiled, teeth wide and eye sockets crinkled, “*nah, ‘m glad my intentions are clear.”

And _damn_ him, he had managed to beat you at your own game if the way your heart fluttered happily in your chest was any indication. 

Oh well, you suppose this meant you’d have plenty more occasions to give just as you got. 

Lucky you. 

...

You were drowning in thick, unending tar of the purest black. You couldn’t breathe and as far as your mind’s eye could see there was no escape. But still you struggled to breach the surface even when there was no salvation in sight. 

“She’s deteriorating rapidly, we’ve exhausted all our options. I’m sorry, Sans.” Alphys voice was hushed and genuinely sympathetic. 

A couple footsteps, then a hand, rough and comforting upon your sweat slicked forehead. 

_Sans_. 

You finally broke the surface, and that desperate gasp of air translated directly to your physical body, reality was finally in your grasp. 

Your eyes fluttered open, everything in this room was far too bright, blaring as it reflected off his bones. 

“*hey,” He coaxed, like speaking to a wounded animal...which you supposed you actually were, “i’m here. it’ll be fine.” 

“I waited for you,” You breathed, voice wavering, “I’m sorry.”

He quickly shushed you, shaking his head, “*it’s done, it’s alright.” 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered again, a desperate mantra, tears collecting at the edges of your minimal vision, “I’m sorry, I’m _trying_.”

God, you wanted to _die_. This was too much to bear. 

“Sans, please, please kil-“ you pleaded, only to be shushed by his hand. 

“*i’ve got a much better idea,” he cut in, “what if we got hitched?”

If you were in better shape you’d be scowling at him. Now? Of all times?

“So...” you took a few breaths, trying to regain some composure, to stay strong and coherent, “bonding then?”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes, he was grasping at straws. 

You could play along then, if things really were this bad that he would go to this extent. You could do this for him. 

“Ask me properly...” A ragged inhale, “and maybe I’ll consider it.”

You slowly managed to pull the ring off your index, holding it out to him with the smuggest look you could muster. 

He laughed, though it sounded like he was masking tears, “*will you, my life and SOUL, do me the incredible honor of being my bondmate?” 

He slid the ring onto your actual ring finger, though it was too loose and hung limply against you knuckle, you choked on your mirthful laugh. 

“Yes,” you nodded, “Yes, of course, but maybe next time, Sans, you could make it a little less wordy, I am dying after all.” 

“*that’s not funny,” he scolded, but he laughed anyway. 

God, this was so cruel. 

“Let’s be bonded, Sans.” You whispered, holding his hands tightly. 

“*alright.” 

...

He was beautiful, his SOUL brilliant and warm, floating there anxiously as you simply stared. 

That small heart-shaped entity flaring like a beacon; The burning candle at your bedside as a child, flickering and watchful as you succumbed to unconscious dreams.

For the first time in your life you were dumbfounded. Awestruck. Spellbound. These words only began to scratch the surface. 

Because you loved him, you truly did with every ounce of your warped heart, you _loved_ him. 

“May I?” You asked reverently, more transfixed now than you ever had been kneeled in those pews before an insignificant God. 

“*please,” he begged, arms open and beckoning.

You embraced him, holding him as close as you could, arms hooked around his shoulders and breathing deeply. If all went well this wouldn’t be the last time...but you didn’t want to risk it. 

He hugged you back with the same intensity, the two of you must have been thinking the same thing. 

There was nothing sexual or demanding here, nothing rushed or uncertain. You wanted him and he wanted you. In this warm, loving hug you had all the time in the world. 

“*i love you,” Sans breathed you in, committing your scent to memory, the feel of you against him. 

“I love you, so much.” You responded in kind, your joints starting to ache from being held so tightly. 

With a final exhale, he loosened his grip, though he didn’t let you go far, “*ready?”

You nodded once, entranced as his hand went to your chest. 

All that work to finally get it back in you and it all led to this. 

He pulled, your SOULs connected.

And you were gone. 

...

You wish you had gotten the chance to thank him. 

...

“What’s the first thing you want to do when you get up there?” You asked, gesturing vaguely towards the heavens, the surface. 

“*hmmm,” Sans paused, humming thoughtfully, “i’d like to see your university.”

You balked, “Of all the places in the world, _that’s_ what you pick?!”

“*obviously,” he smirked, pulling you closer to him so he could kiss your face, “someone’s got to apologize for your atrocious behavior.”

You smacked him playfully, “How rude! After your shenanigans last week all because Alphys scored higher than you, and you have the _nerve_ to imply that I was anything but proper and respectful while attending the nations most respectable institution.”

He shrugged, “*have you taken a look at me lately? no nerves in sight.”

You laughed for quiet some time after that, you knew your horrid humor would rub off eventually. 

...

“...Sans?” Alphys called, quiet. Afraid. 

The room was a disaster. Nothing was salvageable. Scorched lines of ash covered the floors, the walls, papers, pens, all forms of instruments floating and drifting about the room haphazardly. 

And there he was at the epicenter, kneeling and despondent, hugging your lifeless form to himself as his SOUL continued to blare and shift. 

A part of him was being eaten alive by the overwhelming force of your human SOUL, and yet another stronger part was fighting against it. 

Maybe it was the bond that was allowing him to survive like this, or maybe it was the grief. 

“Sans!” The lizard monster tried again, louder this time as she carefully put herself deeper into the destruction, “Sans, you have to stop. You’re destroying yourself.”

His left eye pulsated between aqua and gold, the right being hollowed and consumed long ago in the process, as his magic ebbed and resurfaced, hundreds of times stronger than it had ever been. 

The yellow scientist winced, barely dodging a tray that was sent flying above her head. 

“Please! Sans, you have to _stop_ , you have to control it!” She yelled, “She’s there, she’s with you, you just have to bring her in.”

That seemed to jolt him out of it a bit, and it was as if the room itself sighed in resignation. 

The glow of his SOUL, inverted and colored like it had never been before, began to diminish, drifting ever closer to its home, eventually settling back in his chest. 

He felt heavy, overwhelmed, miserable, elated, betrayed, mournful. 

But above all else, he felt powerful. 

He didn’t know how his SOUL hadn’t consumed yours, or vice versa, but part of him wishes it had. 

Because now, _now_ what was he left with? There was nothing that would ever amend this or make him feel any less abnormal. 

And he was alone. He didn’t even have you as proof of his devotion, of his sacrifice, of his love. 

Pointless, useless. 

Hopeless. 

He hugged you closer, the adrenaline of the moment ebbing away. 

You were gone. 

And maybe years from now, decades or near centuries, he’d finally come to grips with what had happened. 

He would be grateful for this power you had granted him. 

Grateful as he stood in that golden corridor, placing judgment on a child who only showed the best of intentions, who could finally be their salvation, that he would realize his ultimate truth. 

At least with you he had _tried_.

And maybe he should have done more, or less even. All he knew was that if he had done _nothing_ in his attempt to have and save you, then he would have undeniably regretted every waking moment after your inevitable passing. 

And that was enough. 

Because once he stood at the mouth of that cavern and felt the sun and the wind and saw the sky and the sea so infinite and promising. As he stood with his family and friends where you must have stood before stumbling into his life, he was finally able to understand.

This is what you had wanted. This is what you had been so recklessly hoping for. 

He found catharsis in forgiving you. 

That weight in his chest grew lighter as he accepted the reality of all you had done. 

Even still, as they all descended the mountain, eagerly determined to leave it far far behind them, he could feel your light and warmth around and inside him. 

Because you were right. 

It had been worth it. 

...

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and/or critiques greatly appreciated.
> 
> Until next time,  
> A-n-B


End file.
